Today i am actually doing what i decided to do awhile ago.
COVID-19 has presented myself with a lot of time to think and assess myself and i am not happy. This in itself is not a surprising statement, i have been living with mental health demons for years and constantly go through periods of up and down on the SeeSaw, using different methods to try and balance myself out. Well its time again to try and balance myself out.
At the moment the most common way i try and make myself feel better is food. Eating is comfort and it brings me satisfaction and ease to consume some “junk” food but then i look in a mirror and think ugh and then ii am back down again so the use of food is a hard thing to manage when you are trying to balance out your life and i do not recommend it. I now try to disconnect myself from the “hunger” i am feeling. It is just a feeling at the end of the day. This may not be the healthiest option but it pushes me to focus on balancing my SeeSaw in other ways.
Okay so if i can’t use food because i acknowledge i have an unhealthy relationship with food then lets talk about work.
Yes we are in a bit of global pandemic and work is at the front of everyone’s thoughts, whether it is when will they go back? Will they have a job to go back to? Or when will i get paid next? Etc. My situation is a lot more settled. I am one of the lucky ones. I have been able to work from home ever since social distancing came in to play. My kitchen table is now my desk and where i eat. I find it hard to focus and be productive. I hate going here as i know or feel useless in my role. I went from being an “expert” that everyone would come to for help and then we changed systems and during the implementation everyone became an “expert” and i am stuck doing tasks that i feel do not progress my career.
In a way, the kitchen table has become a place of despair! I can’t keep a steady diet and i am not happy in my work. I should be thankful that i am still being paid, i am not being bullied into getting things done, if anything i hardly hear from any of my colleagues except a couple but still life has to continue and at the moment hearing my daughters laugh keeps me going.
So What is the point?
The point is i am not just going to write poems or other things i am going to just like keep a diary so i can manage my own mental health and let off steam or things going on in my head. Anyone can read this but this is mainly for myself as i am not a talker, i am not very good at it. So i write.